Interview with Molly and Desmond (and The-Amazing-Cipher)

Key:  Int - Interviewer, TAC - The-Amazing-Cipher, Des - Desmond,
roflhao - rolls on the floor laughing her ass off

Int: Hello to the both of you.
Molly: *clearly uninterested* Yeah...
Des: Hello there...
Int: (*sigh* another difficult interview...) So, could you introduce yourselves?
TAC: I'm...
Int: I know who you are.
Molly: Nice.
Int: And you would be?
Molly: Who wants to know?
Int: Uh...
Des: It's just a interview Molls...
Molly: *scowls* Fine. My real name is Tsukiko Umi, but everyone calls me Molly.
Int: Molly? Why's that?
Molly: You'd like to know that, now wouldn't you?
Int: Yes, I would.
Molly: Too bad.
Int: *sigh* Alright, and you?
Des: Oh, me...? I'm Desmond...

[silence]

Int: (...) Um, Desmond What?
Des: Just Desmond...
Int: (Is this guy stoned?)
Des: I think I might be, but only a little bit...

Int: (Just. Friggin'. Awesome.) So, how old are you two?
Des: I'm almost 2...
TAC: Desmond was born when Floyd was.
Int: Oh, so you two are twins?
Des: Uh, no... We're not...
TAC: Like I said before...
Int: Complicated, got it. And you, miss?
Molly: Legal.
Int: Legal...?
Molly: Yeah, in case you'd want to...
TAC: Molly!!
Molly: Just offering.
Int: *turns to Des* I don't want to know, do I?
Des: Nope...

Int: Okay... Um, how tall are you two?
Des: Almost 6 feet...
Molly: 67 inches of all Japanese Sex Goddess.
TAC: *smacks his forehead* Molly...

Int: (Sex Goddess...?) *clears throat* How about bad habits? Do you two have many?
TAC: (*Pfft* Too many to count...)
Molly: *smacks TAC*
TAC: WTH?!
Molly: Quiet, you. Go on Des.
Des: Well, I do smoke...
Int: (What, I wonder...) *faked worried-face* You know that stuff will kill you.
Des: Not if Molls does first... *turns head to her and smiles*
Molly: *grins* Awwww, you know I'd never break my favorite toy... *kisses*
Int: [to TAC] (You live with these people?)
TAC: (Yeah.)
Int: (Sorry to hear that, pal.) Well, what about you, Tsukiko?
Molly: Call me that again and I'll castrate you with a dull, rusty handsaw...
Int: *eeeeep* Uh, hehehe, what about you, *gulp* Molly?
Molly: No, I don't have any.
Int: (I'm not saying anything.)
Molly: You'd better not.

Int: (Right. You guys can hear this...) Are either of you virgins?
Molly: Hah. Hah-hah. Hah-hah-hah-hah-HAH!
Int: ...
Molly: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH...!!! *roflhao*

[Int looks at TAC, then back at Molly. A couple of minutes pass and she calms down]

Int: I take it that was a no...
Molly: A huge, fucking no.
TAC: Molly! Language!
Molly: Blow it out your ass, Yaoi Fodder.
TAC: What?! *looks at camera, then back at Molly* (Grrrrrr. I'm going to kill you when we get home...)
Molly: *smirk* I'd like to see you try. So what's the next question?

Int: (What Fodder?) Er, uh, I'm guessing you two are going out, yes?
Des: Oh, yeah... She's my little sushi roll...
Molly: *hugging Des* And he, my faithful slave boy.

Int: Yeah, you can really tell... Um, so, any kids, yet?
Des: Hmmm...? No...
Molly: And it's going to stay that way! (Little, fucking turd-baskets...)
Int: (Guessing she doesn't like kids...)
TAC: [still smarting from her last insult] No, really?

Int: (Hey, don't take it out on me...) Now, I'm just wondering, but, what's your favorite food?
Des: I don't have one...
Molly: *points to Des* Him.
Int: But you can't eat... Oh. *disgust* Oooooooooh. That's just wrong...
TAC: Molly, could you cool it on the dirty remarks?
Molly: *sigh* Alright...

Int: (Thank God!) Ice cream. How about your favorite ice cream flavor?
Des: Oh...! I like peach flavored...!
Int: ...
TAC: ...
Int: That wasn't a dirty joke, was it?
Des: Uh, no...
Molly: *grins* Minds out of the gutter, boys.
Int: *blushes* H-how about you, Tsu... Molly?
Molly: Green Tea Swirl. On a cone.

Int: Oh! Sounds yummy! *cough* Erm, I know this might sound weird, but have you killed anyone before?
Des: I don't believe in violence...
Int: Ah! So you're a pacifist, huh?
Molly: No. He doesn't believe violence exists, Señor Numbnuts.
Int: (I'm just going to ignore that...) And you?
Molly: Yeah, but it was only a couple dozen...
TAC: !!!
Molly: Relax. They were in rival gangs anyway...
Int: R-rival gangs?!
Molly: *points thumb at self* Former Yakuza member.

Int: Ah-heh-heh-heh! (Please don't kill me!) *cough* Well, you must hate a lot of people then?
Molly: Only kids. And conformists. And conventionalists. And pop culture icons. And their fans. And the media. And conservatives. And soccer moms. And...
Int: Desmond! How about you? Do you hate anyone?
Des: Me...? Oh, no... Hate just breeds hate...

Int: Wow, how... hippie-esque. So tell me, do you have any secrets?
Des: Well, I'm the physical manifestation of an exorcised split personality...
Int: ... *looks to TAC*
TAC: Complicated.
Int: Molly?
Molly: Well, Cipher is...
TAC: NOT going to have any of his secrets told at this time! Moving on...

Int: (Argh, not this one again...) Guys. Tacos?
Des: No thanks... They give me heartburn...
Molly: Well, I prefer guys, but...
TAC: MOLLY?!
Molly: Oh. Right. No thank you.

Int: (I dun wanna know...) Have either of you ever slept in all day?
Des: Nah... I'm a bit of an insomniac...
Molly: Only if I've had a... *looks over to TAC* sleepless night.
Des: Like when we...
TAC: Desmond!
Des: Oh, right... Sorry...

Int: (Dirtiest interview EVER.) What's your favorite band? *braces himself*
Des: Verdant Soul Steal...
Molly: Pious Drone.
Int: *looks up* ...? N-no perverse/insulting response?
Molly: Do you really want one?

Int: Good point. Anyways, Fat/Average/Slim?
Des: *looks down at belly* I'm a bit on the slim side...
Molly: Well, I don't really care just as long as they... *looks over and sighs* I'm a bit slim, too...
TAC: Thank you.
Molly: Piss off...

Int: Do you two prefer rain or sunshine?
Molly: Rain. The sunshine's for meat-heads who want to get skin cancer later in life.
Des: Sunshine because it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.... Where it will go...
Molly: Beatles?
Des: Yep...
Molly: Nice.

Int: (Huh?) Uh, I'm just going to skip a couple of the more pointless questions if that's okay.
Molly: Do what you must.
Int: Right. Dogs or Cats?
Molly: Cats. They aren't as stupid as dogs...
Des: I'm more of a turtle man myself...

Int: Yeah... Soooooooo. Do you believe in aliens?
Molly: I thought you said you were skipping the pointless questions.
Des: But Moll, aliens are real... I spoke to them once...
TAC: Were you high?
Des: Just a little...
TAC: Well, then there you go. Case solved.

Int: (...) Teeth?

[everyone stares at him]

Int: Fine. Two more questions. Is that okay?
Molly: How about I take my foot and...?!
TAC: Set it on the ground, so you can answer two more questions.
Int: (Jeez, the man has balls... Or a death wish.) Um, well, let's see... Ah-ha! Ever destroy anything in a blind rage?
Molly: *thumbs over to Des* I devastate him on a daily basis.
Int: That's... That's not what I meant.
Des: Rage clouds the mind...
Molly: But I thought we agreed that the best love making hurts?
Des: I don't remember saying that...
Molly: *glares*
Des: Oh...! Yes, dear... I remember saying that... Word for word...

Int: (Poor guy...) Last one!
Molly: About time...
Int: (I know...) Is there anything unusual about you two?
Des: We sometimes cosplay as John Lemon and Koko Ka-cho-ko...
Molly: And sometimes when we cosplay we like to get some whip cream and...
Int: Okay! Interview's over! You can both go now! See ya! Bye-bye, now!
Des: But...
Int: Now!

[ Des, Molly, and TAC leave]

Int: *yelling off screen* Get me some alcohol or so help me God I'm going to kill something!